Wracking My Brain

So I have been wracking my brain trying desperately to figure out how I had a successful pregnancy with Spencer and then three miscarriages. I had not forgotten that it had taken almost 2 years after stopping birth control to get pregnant with him. I had talked with my OBGYN about my concerns that it was taking so long. But I now remember her putting me on an estrogen patch for a few months and then bingo- pregnant with Spencer, carried to term with no problems.

So is this my answer now? A simple estrogen patch followed by a progesterone supplement once I do get pregnant? I looked up information about estrogen patches and found that using them can help the boy produce better quality eggs. I have a post-op scheduled on Feb. 21st and you can bet I will be talking with my OBGYN about this when I am there. I should also get the results of the genetic testing at that visit. I would be lying if I said I am not nervous about the results.

Hmm.... Now all I have to do is persuade Thomas that we should try again.

No Loss is Insignificant

People never cease to amaze me. It's always the ones you least expect too. I got a comment on my Facebook from my husband's aunt in response to my post about the loss of my baby. She wrote "I was 5 months when I lost mine. Be thankful that if something had to go wrong that it was this early. I know it still hurts but at least you didn't carry it that long."

Now I know that she meant well, but is that really supposed to be helpful to me right now? The also well meaning "It's God's way or nature's way of taking care of problems" is also not helpful. It doesn't lessen my pain or make my loss go away. I am an intelligent person. I have a degree in Biology. I understand genetics and chromosomal abnormalities. That doesn't mean I didn't lose my baby.

I also don't think the amount of time carried makes it any easier to lose a baby. The fact that at 8 weeks 1 day the ultrasound showed a perfectly healthy growing fetus with a heartbeat actually makes it a little bit harder. I was lulled into thinking that everything was okay. This has been the most difficult of the three miscarriages that I have had. Not because I carried longer, but because I actually got to see this one. I got to see the heartbeat. I started dreaming of what this baby would be like and holding it and having hope. Telling me your loss was worse just isn't true.

All I need right now is support and some prayers that I will have the strength to get through this loss.

Surgery Day

So today was the surgery. It was a quick procedure and the staff was so kind at Atlanta Outpatient.

My pre-op nurse was so sweet and apologized for some of the questions she had to ask me. She was great with putting the IV into my tiny little vein. The anesthesiologist gave me a wonderful sedative to calm my nerves before the procedure.

My doctor came and answered my questions about the surgery and recovery. He also recommended that we send samples to Northside for genetic testing to see if there is something wrong with our genes or if it was a chromosomal abnormality that was not compatible with life for this baby. He suggested the testing since this was my third miscarriage. The results could help us decide if we want to try again or just thank God that we were able to have one perfect little boy named Spencer.

They brought me into the OR and my doctor came in and said "It's sleepy time." The nurse anesthetist told me to take some deep breaths and I was out. The next thing I remember is my post-op nurse asking me how I was feeling. Surgery is such a surreal experience. It is so odd to loose any time out of your life.

My post-op nurse was an older woman. She told me about her children and grandchildren. She had me laughing, which was a feat today. I told her this was such a different experience from my last surgery. They woke me up and took me to the car in about 15 minutes. She asked if it was a particular facility and it was. I was surprised that she guessed it, but she wasn't. She said they wanted to make sure I was okay before I went home. She said "As long as I have that IV in you, I can help you if you get sick. As soon as I take it out, all I can do is hold your hand and hold your hair back."

All I really wanted to do was go get something to eat. I ate lunch before my appointment yesterday and after I was too upset to eat. I regretted that all morning since I couldn't eat or drink. As soon as we left, we went to Firehouse Subs.

Finally, we went to pick Spencer up from his grandma's house. It was a long, emotional day. We came home and I took a nap.

Where is My Rock?

I cannot sleep. My eyes hurt from crying. Spencer asked to sleep with me last night and cuddled next to me. He had a tough time going to sleep too. I could tell he was worried about me and no amount of telling him I would be okay was going to satisfy him. He needed to be there with me. I think he will stay with grandma today since he was up so late. I cannot justify sending him to school, but I cannot bear the thought of him being at the surgery center. He just doesn't need to experience that because I am quite sure I will not be able to hold myself together. It's one thing for him to know his mommy is sad. It's another for him to see me blubbering on uncontrollably. I have slept off an on tonight, but every time I wake up it hits me again and I sob. I keep thinking they will cancel this surgery when I get there because I can't breathe through my now swollen nose and I look like I have been in a boxing ring with how swollen my eyes are right now. I would like to crawl under a rock and just stay there for a while.

Suckiest Day Ever...

I went in to my check up appointment feeling great. A little nervous, but that's to be expected when you have miscarried before. They couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, but it's still early and I am not thin. So my doctor brought me back to the ultrasound room. I was excited because that meant I would see my little peanut again.

He could not find a heartbeat. He sent me to the perinatalogist at Northside Hospital because their equipment is so much better and he wanted to be sure. The doctor there confirmed what my doctor thought. There was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring 9 weeks 3 days. (I am 11 weeks.) The perinatalogist called my doctor and sent me back to see him.

When I got there, he had already scheduled the surgery and had all the paperwork ready for me.

When I got back home, Thomas and I sat down and explained to Spencer that the baby had not made it. He is sad and wants us to have another one really soon. My heart is broken both for my loss and for Spencer's loss. He was so looking forward to being a big brother. I wish we had stuck to the original plan of waiting until Valentine's Day to tell him the news. I can't change it now, but I wish I could.

The worst part was being alone through all of this today. There was no reason to think anything was wrong since the last ultrasound looked so good so I went alone today. The drive home was not easy because it was rush hour and I was crying. Luckily, the doctor's office gave me a box of tissue for the ride home.

I called work and made arrangements for the rest of the week because I know I need some time to grieve and teenagers aren't the most understanding people. I know this is not the most eloquently written post and frankly, I don't care. I just needed to get it all out tonight.

Great News

So I haven't written in a while mainly because I have been asleep if I have not been at work. I am 10 weeks 3 days pregnant. I am so excited even though it was unexpected. The timing isn't so great because my husband is not working but I don't think the timing is ever really good for the average family. I was taking a progesterone supplement, Prometrium, until the 9th week which made me super sleepy. Since I am no longer on it, I am less sleepy and less nauseous! Hooray!!

I was really happy to share the 8 week ultrasound with my mom because she will be back at the Grand Canyon in August when the little peanut arrives. I am over 35 so my doctor explained to me that I am at a little higher risk. So I am going back for a check-up on Monday at 11 weeks instead of 12. I also have an appointment scheduled with a perinatologist on February 20 to have a screening test called nuchal translucency done. It is blood work and an ultrasound that measures the spinal fluid present and then compared to determine the my risk for this baby having Down Syndrome, Edward's Syndrome and a handful of other abnormalities.

After the 8 week ultrasound and seeing the heartbeat, we felt like it was time to tell Spencer. I made a sign that says "I am going to be the big

brother!" and had Spencer read it out loud. He was so excited. We let him (in picture form) tell the Facebook world. Many family members and friends already knew, but it was still fun for Spencer! He asked when the baby would be here. When I told him August, he said "Holy freaking chestnuts! I have to wait until August to be a big brother?" I told him he had already waited 10 years so a few more months shouldn't hurt you!

I'll be sure to keep this updated so you can learn more about the peanut! The rollercoaster continues!

A little more stress...

My doctor's office called this morning and of course I missed the call. I checked my messages and he decided he wanted me to take a progesterone supplement because my level was at the low end of normal and I have had two previous miscarriages. His nurse said he just wanted to err on the side of caution.

So I called back and left a message with my pharmacy number. I waited a couple of hours before checking with the pharmacy and nothing had been called in. I called the doctor's office back and they were gone for the day... on Friday... of a holiday weekend. I was not a happy camper. I left a message for the doctor on call to call me back. Two hours passed so I called back. She called me within ten minutes. I explained my situation and appologized for being pushy, but I expect to be taken care of especially when his office is the one that called me wanting me on this medication.

So today I started Prometrium this evening. I guess we will see how this goes...