Suckiest Day Ever...

I went in to my check up appointment feeling great. A little nervous, but that's to be expected when you have miscarried before. They couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, but it's still early and I am not thin. So my doctor brought me back to the ultrasound room. I was excited because that meant I would see my little peanut again.

He could not find a heartbeat. He sent me to the perinatalogist at Northside Hospital because their equipment is so much better and he wanted to be sure. The doctor there confirmed what my doctor thought. There was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring 9 weeks 3 days. (I am 11 weeks.) The perinatalogist called my doctor and sent me back to see him.

When I got there, he had already scheduled the surgery and had all the paperwork ready for me.

When I got back home, Thomas and I sat down and explained to Spencer that the baby had not made it. He is sad and wants us to have another one really soon. My heart is broken both for my loss and for Spencer's loss. He was so looking forward to being a big brother. I wish we had stuck to the original plan of waiting until Valentine's Day to tell him the news. I can't change it now, but I wish I could.

The worst part was being alone through all of this today. There was no reason to think anything was wrong since the last ultrasound looked so good so I went alone today. The drive home was not easy because it was rush hour and I was crying. Luckily, the doctor's office gave me a box of tissue for the ride home.

I called work and made arrangements for the rest of the week because I know I need some time to grieve and teenagers aren't the most understanding people. I know this is not the most eloquently written post and frankly, I don't care. I just needed to get it all out tonight.