Surgery Day

So today was the surgery. It was a quick procedure and the staff was so kind at Atlanta Outpatient.

My pre-op nurse was so sweet and apologized for some of the questions she had to ask me. She was great with putting the IV into my tiny little vein. The anesthesiologist gave me a wonderful sedative to calm my nerves before the procedure.

My doctor came and answered my questions about the surgery and recovery. He also recommended that we send samples to Northside for genetic testing to see if there is something wrong with our genes or if it was a chromosomal abnormality that was not compatible with life for this baby. He suggested the testing since this was my third miscarriage. The results could help us decide if we want to try again or just thank God that we were able to have one perfect little boy named Spencer.

They brought me into the OR and my doctor came in and said "It's sleepy time." The nurse anesthetist told me to take some deep breaths and I was out. The next thing I remember is my post-op nurse asking me how I was feeling. Surgery is such a surreal experience. It is so odd to loose any time out of your life.

My post-op nurse was an older woman. She told me about her children and grandchildren. She had me laughing, which was a feat today. I told her this was such a different experience from my last surgery. They woke me up and took me to the car in about 15 minutes. She asked if it was a particular facility and it was. I was surprised that she guessed it, but she wasn't. She said they wanted to make sure I was okay before I went home. She said "As long as I have that IV in you, I can help you if you get sick. As soon as I take it out, all I can do is hold your hand and hold your hair back."

All I really wanted to do was go get something to eat. I ate lunch before my appointment yesterday and after I was too upset to eat. I regretted that all morning since I couldn't eat or drink. As soon as we left, we went to Firehouse Subs.

Finally, we went to pick Spencer up from his grandma's house. It was a long, emotional day. We came home and I took a nap.

Where is My Rock?

I cannot sleep. My eyes hurt from crying. Spencer asked to sleep with me last night and cuddled next to me. He had a tough time going to sleep too. I could tell he was worried about me and no amount of telling him I would be okay was going to satisfy him. He needed to be there with me. I think he will stay with grandma today since he was up so late. I cannot justify sending him to school, but I cannot bear the thought of him being at the surgery center. He just doesn't need to experience that because I am quite sure I will not be able to hold myself together. It's one thing for him to know his mommy is sad. It's another for him to see me blubbering on uncontrollably. I have slept off an on tonight, but every time I wake up it hits me again and I sob. I keep thinking they will cancel this surgery when I get there because I can't breathe through my now swollen nose and I look like I have been in a boxing ring with how swollen my eyes are right now. I would like to crawl under a rock and just stay there for a while.

Suckiest Day Ever...

I went in to my check up appointment feeling great. A little nervous, but that's to be expected when you have miscarried before. They couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, but it's still early and I am not thin. So my doctor brought me back to the ultrasound room. I was excited because that meant I would see my little peanut again.

He could not find a heartbeat. He sent me to the perinatalogist at Northside Hospital because their equipment is so much better and he wanted to be sure. The doctor there confirmed what my doctor thought. There was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring 9 weeks 3 days. (I am 11 weeks.) The perinatalogist called my doctor and sent me back to see him.

When I got there, he had already scheduled the surgery and had all the paperwork ready for me.

When I got back home, Thomas and I sat down and explained to Spencer that the baby had not made it. He is sad and wants us to have another one really soon. My heart is broken both for my loss and for Spencer's loss. He was so looking forward to being a big brother. I wish we had stuck to the original plan of waiting until Valentine's Day to tell him the news. I can't change it now, but I wish I could.

The worst part was being alone through all of this today. There was no reason to think anything was wrong since the last ultrasound looked so good so I went alone today. The drive home was not easy because it was rush hour and I was crying. Luckily, the doctor's office gave me a box of tissue for the ride home.

I called work and made arrangements for the rest of the week because I know I need some time to grieve and teenagers aren't the most understanding people. I know this is not the most eloquently written post and frankly, I don't care. I just needed to get it all out tonight.

Great News

So I haven't written in a while mainly because I have been asleep if I have not been at work. I am 10 weeks 3 days pregnant. I am so excited even though it was unexpected. The timing isn't so great because my husband is not working but I don't think the timing is ever really good for the average family. I was taking a progesterone supplement, Prometrium, until the 9th week which made me super sleepy. Since I am no longer on it, I am less sleepy and less nauseous! Hooray!!

I was really happy to share the 8 week ultrasound with my mom because she will be back at the Grand Canyon in August when the little peanut arrives. I am over 35 so my doctor explained to me that I am at a little higher risk. So I am going back for a check-up on Monday at 11 weeks instead of 12. I also have an appointment scheduled with a perinatologist on February 20 to have a screening test called nuchal translucency done. It is blood work and an ultrasound that measures the spinal fluid present and then compared to determine the my risk for this baby having Down Syndrome, Edward's Syndrome and a handful of other abnormalities.

After the 8 week ultrasound and seeing the heartbeat, we felt like it was time to tell Spencer. I made a sign that says "I am going to be the big

brother!" and had Spencer read it out loud. He was so excited. We let him (in picture form) tell the Facebook world. Many family members and friends already knew, but it was still fun for Spencer! He asked when the baby would be here. When I told him August, he said "Holy freaking chestnuts! I have to wait until August to be a big brother?" I told him he had already waited 10 years so a few more months shouldn't hurt you!

I'll be sure to keep this updated so you can learn more about the peanut! The rollercoaster continues!

A little more stress...

My doctor's office called this morning and of course I missed the call. I checked my messages and he decided he wanted me to take a progesterone supplement because my level was at the low end of normal and I have had two previous miscarriages. His nurse said he just wanted to err on the side of caution.

So I called back and left a message with my pharmacy number. I waited a couple of hours before checking with the pharmacy and nothing had been called in. I called the doctor's office back and they were gone for the day... on Friday... of a holiday weekend. I was not a happy camper. I left a message for the doctor on call to call me back. Two hours passed so I called back. She called me within ten minutes. I explained my situation and appologized for being pushy, but I expect to be taken care of especially when his office is the one that called me wanting me on this medication.

So today I started Prometrium this evening. I guess we will see how this goes...

News and Stress!

The past two weeks have been a little stressful to say the least. I found out that I am pregnant when we were not trying because my husband is currently unemployed. It was a bit of a shock to say the least especially after miscarrying earlier this year.

Because of the miscarriage earlier this year, my doctor wanted to bring me in for blood work to check my hCG and progesterone levels. I got the call this morning that it all looks good, but they want to bring me in for an ultrasound tomorrow. I know my doctor is being cautious, but this makes me nervous and excited all at the same time. I just want everything to look good tomorrow.

I have not told many people, but I did tell a good friend because I need someone to talk to when I get scared. She knows how much I would love to have a little girl and she asked if I will be disappointed if it is another boy. My answer- No way, I just want a healthy baby. I know that sounds cliche, but after two miscarriages I really just want to hold that baby in my arms.

I will be publishing these posts later because I don't want to spread the word until I have reached the end of the first trimester.

EDIT: So I couldn't quite wait until the end of the first trimester. I was so excited that the ultrasound looked good that I just had to share!

It's All About Perspective

I have been posting my "thankfuls" on Facebook since November 15th. I started posting a little late, so I spent the evening coming up with my 15 reasons to be thankful so I could catch up. I had a pretty diffucult time coming up with all 15. Many of my reasons to be thankful were easy because I think about them everyday. Thomas and Spencer are my biggest "thankfuls" every single day. There are days, of course, that I would love to run away and be free from all responsibility, but who doesn't have those days?

This year has been a tough one. Finding out I was pregnant quite unexpectedly and then having a miscarriage was brutal. My husband losing his job in October was another tough blow. Realizing this job loss was within days of when I would have been having a new baby made me look at things a little bit differently. I know that sounds strange, but it restored my faith that God really does know what he is doing in my life. Having Thomas at home has been a blessing in disguise. Sure we are having to make adjustments. I can only imagine what it would be like right now if I had not finished my degree in May and gotten a raise this year. But the good part is that he is home. He does laundry, cleans the house, makes dinner and picks Spencer up from school in the afternoons. He doesn't get stuck in traffic coming home from a job that he hates in a foul mood and not wanting to speak to anyone for a while after he gets home late in the evening.

Would I still love to be holding that baby in my arms right now. Absolutely. It breaks my heart not to have it now. I had to call in sick on October 14. My actual due date was 2 weeks later, but with having a C-section with Spencer I knew that I would have another one and that would move the date up to October 14. I was doing fine until I got up that morning and saw the date on the school lunch calendar. Then I lost it. I was sobbing. I called in and went back to bed wanting the day to go away. I lay there thinking about "Heaven is for Real". The little boy had met his sister in Heaven and she didn't have a name. We had picked a few names that we like but had never settled on one. I decided that it was time to name our baby since it was the day it was due to arrive. I got out my list and Thomas and I narrowed it down to names that we both liked. There were unisex names as well as girl and boy names. It was really hard to pick names not knowing the sex of the baby. I decided that Spencer should pick the name since we had told him that we would make a list and let him pick the name. He chose Autumn. I love you Autumn.

So as I started out, it is all about perspective. Could my life be better? Could this year have been different? Yes, but it could have been worse too.

I think I need to change my blog title!!!

This month has truly been a rollercoaster. I found out on February 15 that I was going to have a baby. I called my sister, Becca, on the 17th to tell her and she shared with me that she was too! On February 20th, we attended Becky's wedding. She is my step-sister although I consider her my sister.

On February 23, I had a miscarriage. I still cannot not speak about it without crying. I am amazed that I am able to write about it today with dry eyes. It has been difficult, but I think I am through the worst of the storm.

I am so thrilled that Becca is going to have her first baby, but I know there will be moments that will be bittersweet for me. Our due dates were just a few days apart. I am trying really hard not to rain on her parade, but it is not easy to be happy and deal with the grief at the same time.

I love you, Becca and I hope you understand. I want to share in this adventure with you. It is just harder than I thought it would be to set my feelings aside. Please keep sharing with me.