Surgery Day

So today was the surgery. It was a quick procedure and the staff was so kind at Atlanta Outpatient.

My pre-op nurse was so sweet and apologized for some of the questions she had to ask me. She was great with putting the IV into my tiny little vein. The anesthesiologist gave me a wonderful sedative to calm my nerves before the procedure.

My doctor came and answered my questions about the surgery and recovery. He also recommended that we send samples to Northside for genetic testing to see if there is something wrong with our genes or if it was a chromosomal abnormality that was not compatible with life for this baby. He suggested the testing since this was my third miscarriage. The results could help us decide if we want to try again or just thank God that we were able to have one perfect little boy named Spencer.

They brought me into the OR and my doctor came in and said "It's sleepy time." The nurse anesthetist told me to take some deep breaths and I was out. The next thing I remember is my post-op nurse asking me how I was feeling. Surgery is such a surreal experience. It is so odd to loose any time out of your life.

My post-op nurse was an older woman. She told me about her children and grandchildren. She had me laughing, which was a feat today. I told her this was such a different experience from my last surgery. They woke me up and took me to the car in about 15 minutes. She asked if it was a particular facility and it was. I was surprised that she guessed it, but she wasn't. She said they wanted to make sure I was okay before I went home. She said "As long as I have that IV in you, I can help you if you get sick. As soon as I take it out, all I can do is hold your hand and hold your hair back."

All I really wanted to do was go get something to eat. I ate lunch before my appointment yesterday and after I was too upset to eat. I regretted that all morning since I couldn't eat or drink. As soon as we left, we went to Firehouse Subs.

Finally, we went to pick Spencer up from his grandma's house. It was a long, emotional day. We came home and I took a nap.

Suckiest Day Ever...

I went in to my check up appointment feeling great. A little nervous, but that's to be expected when you have miscarried before. They couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, but it's still early and I am not thin. So my doctor brought me back to the ultrasound room. I was excited because that meant I would see my little peanut again.

He could not find a heartbeat. He sent me to the perinatalogist at Northside Hospital because their equipment is so much better and he wanted to be sure. The doctor there confirmed what my doctor thought. There was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring 9 weeks 3 days. (I am 11 weeks.) The perinatalogist called my doctor and sent me back to see him.

When I got there, he had already scheduled the surgery and had all the paperwork ready for me.

When I got back home, Thomas and I sat down and explained to Spencer that the baby had not made it. He is sad and wants us to have another one really soon. My heart is broken both for my loss and for Spencer's loss. He was so looking forward to being a big brother. I wish we had stuck to the original plan of waiting until Valentine's Day to tell him the news. I can't change it now, but I wish I could.

The worst part was being alone through all of this today. There was no reason to think anything was wrong since the last ultrasound looked so good so I went alone today. The drive home was not easy because it was rush hour and I was crying. Luckily, the doctor's office gave me a box of tissue for the ride home.

I called work and made arrangements for the rest of the week because I know I need some time to grieve and teenagers aren't the most understanding people. I know this is not the most eloquently written post and frankly, I don't care. I just needed to get it all out tonight.