Today is the 1 year anniversary of my stroke. I am so thankful to still be here. I thank God every day when I wake up and every night as I lay down waiting to go to sleep. I have prayed every day that I can remember since my stroke for God to please let me see my babies grow up.
That prayer changed when my high school friend, Mandy Westbrook, passed away leaving behind her daughter who is a senior in high school. My prayer changed that very night to tell God my definition of grown up. I pray to see my children graduate high school, college, get married and have their own children. I will be okay to be called home then, but not one day sooner. I know I have no control over this event, but I can pray and hope that it is in His plan for my life.
I began running again. Well, I began with walking and now I have built up to intervals of walking and running. I will do my first 5K this Saturday to celebrate my 1 year stroke survival. A group of my friends, my supporters, are doing it with me. I have made this commitment to myself, my health, and my guys to improve my health. I have begun by changing my habits. I am developing healthy eating habits and exercise habits. I do say it is for my family and they will benefit from this improvement in my health, but it is really selfish to fulfill my desire to see my babies grow up into fine young men.
I know that I am not promised any more days on this Earth but I intend to take as many as God will grant me. Every night I selfishly will pray for more.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
It's Time to Catch Up!
This past year has been a tough one. After the last miscarriage in Feburary 2012 we waited on the results of genetic testing. It turned out that the baby had Trisomy 15 which is 3 copies of the 15th chromosome instead of the normal 2 copies. My doctor explained to me that it is always fatal. He also explained that the good news was that there was no reason we should not try again because it was a random event and the rest of the genetic testing looked really good.
It was such an emotional time and it was so hard to grieve the loss of my child again. I didn't go to work or get out of bed for a week. My husband finally said I had to get up and enjoy the child that we have, and he was right.
We decided that we would not try to have another child because the idea of losing another one was just too much. I decided to teach Summer School both for the extra cash and to keep my mind occupied. Spencer went with me some days and played games on the computer and talked to some of the students. One day I was sitting there eating my lunch feeling nauseated. I was hoping I was not getting the flu in the Summer!
Then someone asked what the date was. I looked on my calendar and realized I was late! I bought a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive. I cried but not tears of joy. They were tears of fear. I just could not go through another miscarriage. I told Thomas and he held me while I cried. He then told me to expect the worst and that way I would not be disappointed. So I lived that way for weeks. I went to my appointments and saw the baby on ultrasound and I saw the heartbeat but I refused to let myself get excited because I had been here before. I made it to 13 weeks and we told people but I still reserved my excitement. I was referred to the perinatalogist for placenta previa. I had it with Spencer also but it was only partially covering the cervix. This time it was a complete central previa. I had lots of genetic testing which all came back normal and I had lots of ultrasounds to monitor the baby and the placenta. I was not allowed to travel after 28 weeks and was told to expect bedrest at some point and that I would have a scheduled c-section. They did not want me to go into labor because of the risk of hemorrhage and bleeding out.
Parker Jackson Rascoe was born on January 31, 2013 at 7:44 am. He was 8 lbs. 1.3 oz and 20 inches long. He was born at 37 weeks and was perfectly healthy. He did lose weight and was jaundiced but got better quickly. Nursing him was not as easy as it was with Spencer. He latched easily but had difficulty staying latched and getting full. I supplemented and pumped to stimulate milk production. It was exhausting and the pediatrician that saw him in the hospital was an ass and just made me more stressed out about his weight loss. He lost a pound before we went home. We went home to grandma's house because our heat went out and it was so cold when we went home on February 4th. We saw the lactation specialist at our pediatrician's ofice. She was wonderful and had great advice and tips but it just wasn't going well. I finally decided at 10 days old that it was more important for him to gain weight and be healthy than for me to be able to say I breastfed both my children. I sent Thomas to the store for formula.
The next morning I woke up with a headache and I was nauseated. I vomitted all day long and couldn't even hold down water. I was getting ready for bed and then I started worrying that if I was sick and gave it to Parker that it would be really bad for him. We packed the boys up and called grandma from the car so she could keep them while we went to the emergency room. That is the last thing I remember until I was at Cobb Hospital for rehab after having a hemorrhagic stroke when Parker was 11 days old on February 11th 2013. I was rushed to Grady and had a right hemi-craniectomy to relieve pressure on my brain and remove a blood clot from the temporal lobe. There was also a blood clot in the frontal lobe but it would have caused more damage to try to remove it so it was treated with blood thinners.
I was transferred to Cobb Hospital for rehab on February 21st. The first memory that I can recall after the stroke is looking up at the ceiling and counting the seconds between lights as I was rolled down the hallways to be loaded in the ambulance to be taken to Cobb Hospital for rehab. I remember it was cold and windy when I was being moved. I had a few visitors while at Cobb. I don't remember most of it but I do remember introducing Becky and Rafe to each other when they came to visit. Becky is my step-sister and I attended their wedding in 2011 so I don't know why I was introducing them to each other! I also remember that I did not like some of the therapy because I felt they were completely useless to get me home to my kids. I also did not like the speech therapist because she screamed at me and told me I was going to die because I couldn't put my "pills" into the pill box correctly. It was really her fault for not providing the appropriate kind of pill box. Most of my medications were to be taken twice a day but she gave me a pill box that was designed for one dose per day. Of course while I was recovering I could not put that into words but I would love to go visit her now! I was not quite in my right mind while in the hospital because of the stroke and all the medications they had me on. I was having conversations and texting people on my cell phone that was not present! I had a nice therapist that helped me cut the hair on the left side of my head because they only shaved the right side during surgery and I could not brush my hair that was left and it was knotted and driving me nuts.
I came home again to Grandma's house February 28th. She and Heather took care of Parker and I slept, a lot. I kept feeling like I was in a daydream and I just couldn't wake up from the nightmare. They converted the sunroom into a bedroom for me because I could not walk up stairs yet. I would wake up in the mornings confused because of where I was and it took a few minutes to remember why I was there. I went to physical therapy twice a week. I had lost my left peripheral vision. I was not allowed to drive because I had a seizure when I had the stroke. I was frustrated every day by the things that I could not do and the words that just wouldn't come out of my mouth.
We finally made it back to our home by the end of April and by that time, Parker was sleeping through the night. I had to go back to Grady on May 21st to have a right cranioplasty. The portion of my skull that had been removed in February was frozen and then thawed and placed back in my head and secured with titanium screws and mesh in this procedure. I had staples in my head again which is not a pleasant experience. I had to undergo one more procedure on June 8th because the surgeons left a plastic surgical clip in my head during the May 21st procedure. More staples that were in for 2 more weeks. My husband removed them for me because I refused to return to Grady. He then shaved my head for me one last time to even it all out. I didn't cut it again until the beginning of January 2014. (Thanks Becky!!)
I finally seemed to be back to normal and went back to work at the end of July. It has been a crazy year that has tested me to my limits and I passed. My marriage vows survived the trials and we came out stronger as a family. I plan to try to keep this blog updated much better than I have in the past!
It was such an emotional time and it was so hard to grieve the loss of my child again. I didn't go to work or get out of bed for a week. My husband finally said I had to get up and enjoy the child that we have, and he was right.
We decided that we would not try to have another child because the idea of losing another one was just too much. I decided to teach Summer School both for the extra cash and to keep my mind occupied. Spencer went with me some days and played games on the computer and talked to some of the students. One day I was sitting there eating my lunch feeling nauseated. I was hoping I was not getting the flu in the Summer!
Then someone asked what the date was. I looked on my calendar and realized I was late! I bought a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive. I cried but not tears of joy. They were tears of fear. I just could not go through another miscarriage. I told Thomas and he held me while I cried. He then told me to expect the worst and that way I would not be disappointed. So I lived that way for weeks. I went to my appointments and saw the baby on ultrasound and I saw the heartbeat but I refused to let myself get excited because I had been here before. I made it to 13 weeks and we told people but I still reserved my excitement. I was referred to the perinatalogist for placenta previa. I had it with Spencer also but it was only partially covering the cervix. This time it was a complete central previa. I had lots of genetic testing which all came back normal and I had lots of ultrasounds to monitor the baby and the placenta. I was not allowed to travel after 28 weeks and was told to expect bedrest at some point and that I would have a scheduled c-section. They did not want me to go into labor because of the risk of hemorrhage and bleeding out.
Parker Jackson Rascoe was born on January 31, 2013 at 7:44 am. He was 8 lbs. 1.3 oz and 20 inches long. He was born at 37 weeks and was perfectly healthy. He did lose weight and was jaundiced but got better quickly. Nursing him was not as easy as it was with Spencer. He latched easily but had difficulty staying latched and getting full. I supplemented and pumped to stimulate milk production. It was exhausting and the pediatrician that saw him in the hospital was an ass and just made me more stressed out about his weight loss. He lost a pound before we went home. We went home to grandma's house because our heat went out and it was so cold when we went home on February 4th. We saw the lactation specialist at our pediatrician's ofice. She was wonderful and had great advice and tips but it just wasn't going well. I finally decided at 10 days old that it was more important for him to gain weight and be healthy than for me to be able to say I breastfed both my children. I sent Thomas to the store for formula.
The next morning I woke up with a headache and I was nauseated. I vomitted all day long and couldn't even hold down water. I was getting ready for bed and then I started worrying that if I was sick and gave it to Parker that it would be really bad for him. We packed the boys up and called grandma from the car so she could keep them while we went to the emergency room. That is the last thing I remember until I was at Cobb Hospital for rehab after having a hemorrhagic stroke when Parker was 11 days old on February 11th 2013. I was rushed to Grady and had a right hemi-craniectomy to relieve pressure on my brain and remove a blood clot from the temporal lobe. There was also a blood clot in the frontal lobe but it would have caused more damage to try to remove it so it was treated with blood thinners.
I was transferred to Cobb Hospital for rehab on February 21st. The first memory that I can recall after the stroke is looking up at the ceiling and counting the seconds between lights as I was rolled down the hallways to be loaded in the ambulance to be taken to Cobb Hospital for rehab. I remember it was cold and windy when I was being moved. I had a few visitors while at Cobb. I don't remember most of it but I do remember introducing Becky and Rafe to each other when they came to visit. Becky is my step-sister and I attended their wedding in 2011 so I don't know why I was introducing them to each other! I also remember that I did not like some of the therapy because I felt they were completely useless to get me home to my kids. I also did not like the speech therapist because she screamed at me and told me I was going to die because I couldn't put my "pills" into the pill box correctly. It was really her fault for not providing the appropriate kind of pill box. Most of my medications were to be taken twice a day but she gave me a pill box that was designed for one dose per day. Of course while I was recovering I could not put that into words but I would love to go visit her now! I was not quite in my right mind while in the hospital because of the stroke and all the medications they had me on. I was having conversations and texting people on my cell phone that was not present! I had a nice therapist that helped me cut the hair on the left side of my head because they only shaved the right side during surgery and I could not brush my hair that was left and it was knotted and driving me nuts.
I came home again to Grandma's house February 28th. She and Heather took care of Parker and I slept, a lot. I kept feeling like I was in a daydream and I just couldn't wake up from the nightmare. They converted the sunroom into a bedroom for me because I could not walk up stairs yet. I would wake up in the mornings confused because of where I was and it took a few minutes to remember why I was there. I went to physical therapy twice a week. I had lost my left peripheral vision. I was not allowed to drive because I had a seizure when I had the stroke. I was frustrated every day by the things that I could not do and the words that just wouldn't come out of my mouth.
We finally made it back to our home by the end of April and by that time, Parker was sleeping through the night. I had to go back to Grady on May 21st to have a right cranioplasty. The portion of my skull that had been removed in February was frozen and then thawed and placed back in my head and secured with titanium screws and mesh in this procedure. I had staples in my head again which is not a pleasant experience. I had to undergo one more procedure on June 8th because the surgeons left a plastic surgical clip in my head during the May 21st procedure. More staples that were in for 2 more weeks. My husband removed them for me because I refused to return to Grady. He then shaved my head for me one last time to even it all out. I didn't cut it again until the beginning of January 2014. (Thanks Becky!!)
I finally seemed to be back to normal and went back to work at the end of July. It has been a crazy year that has tested me to my limits and I passed. My marriage vows survived the trials and we came out stronger as a family. I plan to try to keep this blog updated much better than I have in the past!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
New Family Member!
 |
| Spencer, Blondie and Lex. |
Thomas found Blondie when he was at a yard sale. The family said they just weren't home enough to spend time with her. She is 3 years old, house trained, spayed and the sweetest dog ever. She is adjusting well to her new home and all the cats that she was afraid of at first.
 |
| Spencer and Blondie sleeping on the porch. |
The first day she was here, she didn't like the idea of coming in the house so she stayed on the front porch for a while. She and Spencer fell asleep while getting to know each other. Later that evening she finally decided it was okay to come inside. I'm glad Thomas decided to bring her home. :)
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Surgery Day
So today was the surgery. It was a quick procedure and the staff was so kind at Atlanta Outpatient.
My pre-op nurse was so sweet and apologized for some of the questions she had to ask me. She was great with putting the IV into my tiny little vein. The anesthesiologist gave me a wonderful sedative to calm my nerves before the procedure.
My doctor came and answered my questions about the surgery and recovery. He also recommended that we send samples to Northside for genetic testing to see if there is something wrong with our genes or if it was a chromosomal abnormality that was not compatible with life for this baby. He suggested the testing since this was my third miscarriage. The results could help us decide if we want to try again or just thank God that we were able to have one perfect little boy named Spencer.
They brought me into the OR and my doctor came in and said "It's sleepy time." The nurse anesthetist told me to take some deep breaths and I was out. The next thing I remember is my post-op nurse asking me how I was feeling. Surgery is such a surreal experience. It is so odd to loose any time out of your life.
My post-op nurse was an older woman. She told me about her children and grandchildren. She had me laughing, which was a feat today. I told her this was such a different experience from my last surgery. They woke me up and took me to the car in about 15 minutes. She asked if it was a particular facility and it was. I was surprised that she guessed it, but she wasn't. She said they wanted to make sure I was okay before I went home. She said "As long as I have that IV in you, I can help you if you get sick. As soon as I take it out, all I can do is hold your hand and hold your hair back."
All I really wanted to do was go get something to eat. I ate lunch before my appointment yesterday and after I was too upset to eat. I regretted that all morning since I couldn't eat or drink. As soon as we left, we went to Firehouse Subs.
Finally, we went to pick Spencer up from his grandma's house. It was a long, emotional day. We came home and I took a nap.
Where is My Rock?
I cannot sleep. My eyes hurt from crying. Spencer asked to sleep with me last night and cuddled next to me. He had a tough time going to sleep too. I could tell he was worried about me and no amount of telling him I would be okay was going to satisfy him. He needed to be there with me. I think he will stay with grandma today since he was up so late. I cannot justify sending him to school, but I cannot bear the thought of him being at the surgery center. He just doesn't need to experience that because I am quite sure I will not be able to hold myself together. It's one thing for him to know his mommy is sad. It's another for him to see me blubbering on uncontrollably. I have slept off an on tonight, but every time I wake up it hits me again and I sob. I keep thinking they will cancel this surgery when I get there because I can't breathe through my now swollen nose and I look like I have been in a boxing ring with how swollen my eyes are right now. I would like to crawl under a rock and just stay there for a while.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Suckiest Day Ever...
I went in to my check up appointment feeling great. A little nervous, but that's to be expected when you have miscarried before. They couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, but it's still early and I am not thin. So my doctor brought me back to the ultrasound room. I was excited because that meant I would see my little peanut again.
He could not find a heartbeat. He sent me to the perinatalogist at Northside Hospital because their equipment is so much better and he wanted to be sure. The doctor there confirmed what my doctor thought. There was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring 9 weeks 3 days. (I am 11 weeks.) The perinatalogist called my doctor and sent me back to see him.
When I got there, he had already scheduled the surgery and had all the paperwork ready for me.
When I got back home, Thomas and I sat down and explained to Spencer that the baby had not made it. He is sad and wants us to have another one really soon. My heart is broken both for my loss and for Spencer's loss. He was so looking forward to being a big brother. I wish we had stuck to the original plan of waiting until Valentine's Day to tell him the news. I can't change it now, but I wish I could.
The worst part was being alone through all of this today. There was no reason to think anything was wrong since the last ultrasound looked so good so I went alone today. The drive home was not easy because it was rush hour and I was crying. Luckily, the doctor's office gave me a box of tissue for the ride home.
I called work and made arrangements for the rest of the week because I know I need some time to grieve and teenagers aren't the most understanding people. I know this is not the most eloquently written post and frankly, I don't care. I just needed to get it all out tonight.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Great News
So I haven't written in a while mainly because I have been asleep if I have not been at work. I am 10 weeks 3 days pregnant. I am so excited even though it was unexpected. The timing isn't so great because my husband is not working but I don't think the timing is ever really good for the average family. I was taking a progesterone supplement, Prometrium, until the 9th week which made me super sleepy. Since I am no longer on it, I am less sleepy and less nauseous! Hooray!!
I was really happy to share the 8 week ultrasound with my mom because she will be back at the Grand Canyon in August when the little peanut arrives. I am over 35 so my doctor explained to me that I am at a little higher risk. So I am going back for a check-up on Monday at 11 weeks instead of 12. I also have an appointment scheduled with a perinatologist on February 20 to have a screening test called nuchal translucency done. It is blood work and an ultrasound that measures the spinal fluid present and then compared to determine the my risk for this baby having Down Syndrome, Edward's Syndrome and a handful of other abnormalities.
After the 8 week ultrasound and seeing the heartbeat, we felt like it was time to tell Spencer. I made a sign that says "I am going to be the big
brother!" and had Spencer read it out loud. He was so excited. We let him (in picture form) tell the Facebook world. Many family members and friends already knew, but it was still fun for Spencer! He asked when the baby would be here. When I told him August, he said "Holy freaking chestnuts! I have to wait until August to be a big brother?" I told him he had already waited 10 years so a few more months shouldn't hurt you!
I'll be sure to keep this updated so you can learn more about the peanut! The rollercoaster continues!
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